You may have heard of people being called “narcissists” before.
This usually brings to mind someone full of themselves, thinks they are better than everyone else and loves being the center of attention.
However, there is another type of narcissist that can fly under the radar – the covert narcissist.
Covert narcissists are trickier to spot because on the surface they can seem shy, humble, or even self-deprecating. But underneath that facade lies the same grandiose sense of entitlement and lack of empathy that an overt narcissist has.
Covert narcissists crave admiration just as much, they just go about getting it in more subtle, underhanded ways.
In this blog post, we’ll take a deeper look at the traits of the covert narcissist. You may realize you’ve encountered one in your life – at work, in a friendship circle, or even in your own family.
Being able to identify this type is important, because, like any narcissist, covert narcissists can be toxic people to have in your life long-term.
What is a Covert Narcissist?
A covert narcissist is someone who has narcissistic traits and tendencies but displays them in a more subtle, introverted, and hidden manner, unlike the more overt and grandiose narcissists we commonly think of.
Covert narcissists often appear shy, humble, and unassuming on the surface. However, beneath this, they harbor grandiose fantasies of superiority, entitlement, and a desperate need for admiration, just like overt narcissists.
The difference lies in their method of obtaining narcissistic supply (the admiration and attention they crave).
Unlike the typical overt narcissist who is grandiose, arrogant, and demands constant praise openly, the covert narcissist tends to act more shy, restrained, and unassuming on the surface.
However, they still have the same underlying sense of superiority and entitlement. Overt narcissists are like loudmouth braggers, while covert narcissists play the victim to gain attention.
Let me explain with an example:
Imagine Sarah, a covert narcissist. At work, she might not brag openly about her achievements like an overt narcissist would. Instead, she might make self-deprecating comments like, “I don’t know how I managed to finish this project on time with all the obstacles I faced.” This seemingly humble statement is a covert way of drawing attention to her accomplishments while portraying herself as a hardworking victim of circumstance.
Covert narcissists often struggle with feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to criticism. They may lash out defensively when their fragile egos are threatened. They are often jealous of others’ success, yet unwilling to openly admit it.
Signs/traits and red flags to watch out for
It can be challenging to identify covert narcissism, as these individuals are skilled at hiding their true nature. However, there are some common signs and red flag behaviors that may indicate covert narcissism:
1. They show excessive modesty and self-deprecation
Covert narcissists often engage in excessive self-deprecation as a way to fish for compliments and reassurance from others.
They may downplay their achievements, talents, or abilities in an exaggerated manner, not out of genuine humility, but as a manipulative tactic to elicit praise and validation from those around them.
This behavior stems from their deep-seated need for admiration and approval, which they crave to reinforce their fragile sense of self-worth.
2. They can’t take any criticism at all.
Covert narcissists have an extremely fragile ego and are hypersensitive to any form of criticism, whether constructive or perceived. Even minor feedback or suggestions for improvement can trigger intense emotional reactions, such as rage, resentment, or withdrawal.
This hypersensitivity is rooted in their inability to separate their self-worth from their achievements or performance, leading them to interpret any criticism as a personal attack on their core identity.
3. They have a Passive-aggressive behavior
Rather than openly and directly expressing their feelings or concerns, covert narcissists often resort to passive-aggressive behaviors. These may include sulking, giving the silent treatment, making snide remarks, or engaging in subtle acts of sabotage or retaliation. This behavior allows them to express their anger or resentment indirectly while maintaining a façade of vulnerability or victimhood.
4. They are more likely to show a Victimhood mentality
Covert narcissists frequently adopt a victim mentality, portraying themselves as the target of mistreatment, injustice, or unfair circumstances.
They may blame others for their problems, failures, or shortcomings, refusing to take responsibility for their actions or choices.
This victimhood mentality serves to deflect accountability and maintain their sense of moral superiority.
5. They mostly use emotional blackmail as a manipulation tactic.
Covert narcissists are skilled at using emotional manipulation tactics to control or influence those around them.
They may employ guilt-tripping, sulking, or making others feel responsible for their emotional well-being as a way to get their needs met or exert power over relationships.
This manipulation stems from their lack of empathy and their prioritization of their desires over the needs or feelings of others.
6. Like all other narcissist type they also lack empathy.
Despite their outward appearance of sensitivity or vulnerability, covert narcissists struggle to truly empathize with others’ perspectives or emotions.
They tend to be self-absorbed and preoccupied with their own needs, desires, and experiences, making it difficult for them to form genuine connections or understand the emotional experiences of those around them.
7. They are an extremely jealous person.
Covert narcissists often harbor feelings of envy and competitiveness towards others’ achievements, successes, or talents.
They attempt to undermine or sabotage those around them in subtle ways, as a means of maintaining a sense of superiority or regaining the spotlight.
This behavior stems from their deep-seated insecurity and need to be seen as exceptional or special.
8. Difficulty maintaining relationships
Due to their lack of empathy, emotional manipulation tactics, and inability to form genuine connections, covert narcissists often struggle to maintain healthy, long-term relationships.
Their partners, siblings, and friends may feel emotionally drained, undervalued, or consistently walking on eggshells around them, leading to strained or short-lived connections.
It’s important to remember that identifying covert narcissism can be complex, as these individuals are skilled at hiding their true motives and presenting a façade of vulnerability or humility.
If you suspect someone in your life exhibits these behaviors consistently, it may be helpful to seek guidance from a mental health professional or support system.
How Covert Narcissist Can Manipulate You?
Like all other types of narcissists, the main aim of narcissists is to show them superiority and become a center of attraction, and to achieve this goal they will use emotional manipulation tactics. Here are detailed explanations with examples for each of the manipulation tactics used by covert narcissists:
Love Bombing
In the beginning of a relationship, the covert narcissist showers their target with excessive flattery, gifts, and affection to quickly build a strong emotional attachment and bond. This is done to hook their victim in.
For example, a covert narcissist might bombard a new romantic partner with daily flurries of texts professing their undying love, showering them with expensive gifts, and insisting they are “soulmates” after just a few dates.
The intent is to quickly create a deep emotional bond before revealing their true, manipulative colors.
Gaslighting
They routinely dismiss, deny, or distort reality to make the victim doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity. Statements like “You’re imagining things” or “That never happened” are common gaslighting phrases.
For instance, a covert narcissist might vehemently deny making a promise or saying something you recall, responding with “You’re imagining things, I never said that.” Over time, this plants seeds of doubt and confusion in the victim.
Passive Aggression
Rather than being overtly hostile, they express hostility through subtler means like backhanded compliments, procrastination, sullenness, or intentional underachievement.
For example, if upset with their partner, they might intentionally not perform agreed-upon chores or “forget” a scheduled date night, all while acting like nothing is wrong.
Projection
They project their undesirable traits and behaviors onto the victim. For example, if the narcissist is unfaithful, they may constantly accuse the victim of cheating.
A covert narcissist who is constantly lying might routinely accuse their spouse of being dishonest with no evidence. “You’re just a liar” is an example projection statement.
Silence Treatment
They use the silent treatment by refusing to communicate or respond to the victim as a way to inflict pain, create anxiety, and regain control.
A covert narcissist will completely ignore their partner for days or weeks after an argument as a form of punishment and power play.
Guilt Tripping
They make the victim feel guilty or ashamed for having entirely reasonable boundaries or expectations through manipulation and emotional blackmail.
A covert narcissist might lay on thick guilt by saying “After all I’ve done for you, you’re being so selfish” when their partner wants to spend time with friends.
Triangulation
They intentionally bring a third party into the dynamic, likely revealing private information, to both make the victim feel left out and turn the third party against the victim.
A covert narcissist boss might secretly disparage an employee to other coworkers to make that employee look incompetent or untrustworthy.
The underlying goals are always to undermine, belittle, and maintain power over victims through plausible deniability rather than overt aggression.
Covert Narcissism In Relationships
Covert narcissism can significantly damage a relationship due to its distinct traits, including a lack of empathy, manipulation, and control tendencies.
These characteristics gradually undermine trust and intimacy between partners. The continual need for validation and admiration from the covert narcissist often leaves the other partner feeling emotionally drained and undervalued.
In severe cases, covert narcissism may escalate into overt forms of abuse, such as physical violence or emotional manipulation, further deteriorating the relationship.
How To Deal with Covert Narcissist?
Covert narcissism can be a subtle yet damaging trait in individuals. Unlike overt narcissism, which is more easily recognizable, covert narcissism operates under the radar, making it challenging to detect and navigate. However, with awareness and the right strategies, dealing with covert narcissism is possible. Here are proven ways to deal with Covert narcissism.
Some tips for dealing with a covert narcissist:
- Set boundaries- Covert narcissists often try to manipulate and take advantage of others. Make it clear what behavior you will and will not accept. Enforce your boundaries consistently.
- Don’t try to reason with them- Narcissists deeply lack empathy and are very defensive, so logical arguments usually don’t work. Don’t waste your energy trying to convince them of anything.
- Don’t feed their ego- Narcissists desperately want admiration and will go to great lengths to get it. Don’t give excessive compliments or attention as it reinforces their behavior.
- Call out bad behavior calmly- When they say or do something unacceptable, point it out in a straightforward, unemotional way. Don’t let them make excuses or turn it around on you.
- Don’t take their criticism personally- Narcissists often project their own insecurities onto others through insults and put-downs. Remember it’s more about them than you.
- Spend less time with them if possible- Limiting exposure can reduce stress and protect your wellbeing, especially if they are an exhausting presence in your life.
- Build your self-confidence- Narcissists often target people they perceive as insecure. Work on your self-esteem so you are less impacted by their manipulation tactics.
The most important things are protecting yourself emotionally, not allowing them to cross your boundaries, and limiting their ability to take advantage. With consistency and confidence, you can better coexist with a covert narcissist.
Establishing and maintaining boundaries is crucial when dealing with covert narcissism. It’s essential to clearly communicate your limits and assertively enforce them, even in the face of manipulation or guilt-tripping. This may involve limiting contact with the narcissist or refusing to engage in their manipulative tactics.
Prioritizing self-care is vital when dealing with covert narcissism. It’s easy to become emotionally drained or manipulated by the narcissist’s behavior, so taking time for yourself to recharge and focus on your well-being is essential. This may include practicing mindfulness, engaging in activities you enjoy, or seeking support from trusted friends or a therapist.
Seeking Support
Don’t hesitate to seek support from others who understand what you’re going through. Whether it’s friends, family members, or support groups, having a strong support network can provide validation, perspective, and guidance in dealing with covert narcissism.
Covert vs Overt Narcissist
| Aspect | Covert Narcissist | Overt Narcissist |
|---|---|---|
| Behavior | Exhibits introverted and reserved behavior. | Displays extroverted and grandiose behavior. |
| Attention Seeking | Seeks attention indirectly, often through victimhood or passive-aggressive means. | Seeks attention overtly, often through boasting or dominating conversations. |
| Self-Image | Views themselves as misunderstood or victimized. | Views themselves as superior and entitled. |
| Manipulation | Manipulates subtly, using guilt or pity. | Manipulates openly, using charm or intimidation. |
| Empathy | Lacks empathy but may feign concern. | Lacks empathy and shows little concern for others. |
| Criticism | Sensitive to criticism, may react defensively. | May react aggressively or dismissively to criticism. |
| Relationships | Often seeks relationships to fulfill their needs, but may struggle with intimacy. | Often seeks relationships for admiration and control, using intimacy as a tool. |
| Self-Esteem | May have low self-esteem internally, masked by outward modesty. | May have inflated self-esteem, masking insecurity. |
| Narcissistic Injury | More prone to experiencing narcissistic injuries due to hypersensitivity. | Less affected by perceived threats to self-esteem, more resilient to criticism. |
| Adaptability | May adapt to situations by withdrawing or playing the victim role. | Tends to assert dominance or seek attention in most situations. |
FAQ: Covert Narcissist Traits & Ways To Deal With It
What is a trait of a covert narcissist?
A trait of a covert narcissist is their tendency to hide their narcissistic behaviors behind a mask of humility or sensitivity.
Unlike overt narcissists who are more upfront and obvious about their self-centeredness, covert narcissists appear modest and reserved on the surface.
However, underneath, they still harbor a strong sense of entitlement, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.
They may manipulate others subtly and seek validation in more subtle ways, often playing the victim or using passive-aggressive tactics to get what they want.
How do I know if I am a covert narcissist?
Recognizing if you might have traits of a covert narcissist can be challenging because they are skilled at hiding their behaviors. However, there are some signs to watch out for.
Ask yourself if you frequently feel a sense of superiority over others, even if you don’t express it openly.
Do you have a strong need for admiration and validation from others, yet struggle with empathy and understanding their perspectives?
Are you prone to feeling jealous or resentful when others receive attention or praise?
Do you often manipulate situations to make yourself look better or to gain sympathy?
If you find yourself answering yes to many of these questions, it may be worth seeking professional guidance to explore further.
You can take our free test- Am I A Narcissist Quiz [Take A Free Test]
Can a covert narcissist fall in love?
Yes, a covert narcissist can fall in love, but their love may be more self-centered and conditional compared to a healthy relationship. They may see their partner as an extension of themselves rather than as a separate individual with their own needs and desires.
Their love may be more focused on how the relationship benefits them rather than on mutual respect and understanding.
Additionally, covert narcissists may struggle with maintaining deep emotional connections because of their inability to truly empathize with their partner’s feelings.
As a result, their relationships may be fraught with manipulation, control, and emotional distance, making it challenging for genuine love to flourish.
Conclusion
Overall, covert narcissism can be a challenging and insidious personality trait to navigate, but by recognizing the signs and characteristics of this behavior, you can empower yourself to set boundaries and protect your emotional well-being. Remember that you are not alone in dealing with covert narcissists, and seeking support from others can help.